I was just reading Wimpy's blog. Seems he crashed and burned last night. Well... since last night seems to have been a night for such things, I might as well take a break from the Karnataka Round trip to tell you about last night.
Sometime in the afternoon , Jakes came to my room to pick up his Asterix. We were generally talking and in the conversation I said, "No one takes me seriously on bracket". In his typical dry sarcastic style, Jakes retorted with, " You can leave out the On Bracket part of it". I suppose that was a portent of things to follow, but who is bothered with such things these days.
Then convo happened. Only good part was that i got my transcripts and my degree certificate. Got my diploma shook the guy's hand and slowly walked off stage. And of course she was also there, dressed in a sari, looking like a statue from the Belur temple come to life. I don’t know why but i kind of ignored her.
I was somehow trying to get into that feeling of nostalgia etc etc which i should have, since i had just graduated and was going to leave the place in a couple of days. So after convo, dinner, and pretending to pack for a little while, i went over to chuchee's
room to have one last(?) game of diablo
That did'nt work either, so i decided to take a nap, only to be woken up by one of those classic L^2 numbers, and Sahu's voice.
"So its a free L^2?".
"Is the bar open?"
"Yeah i think so"
Talk about raising the bar, i have always been content with just hanging out near it.
I suppose you get the picture, I went down to the bar picked up some beers, went through a complicated procedure to cool them, and started what will almost surely be my final L^2.
She was there. She always is. Beautiful as ever.Took a sad song of one sweet evening
I smiled and quickly turned away.
It’s not easy singing sad songs
But still the easiest way I have to say.
I am not as lucky as Ian Anderson so I'll just have to stick to broken English. Things were fine till about 4.00 AM. I suppose she was drunk by this time. I know I wasnt. I had had a couple of beers, but somehow just couldn’t get in with it. Was kind of feeling nothing at all. Then she came and sat next to me. We made small talk.
And the memory stays clear with the song that you hear.
If I can but make
the words awake the feeling.
Then she said it
"Beedi I've been reading your blog". Ok now I do want people to read my blog and .., but not anyone I'm close (want to get close) to.
"Which Post?", I asked, hoping she had just skimmed some of the titles.
"A couple", she continued, "The one about your trip and another one".
I figure, if this woman has read my blog and still sits next to me and talks to me, then....
"I am crazy about you”, I blurted out.
DJ to the rescue, suddenly music volume increases and drowns my pathetic line.
"What?", she screams, "What did you say?"
"I said, I AM CRAZY ABOUT YOU!!". No DJ can save me now.
"Beedi, you're a big liar. I know there's a woman. You said so yourself in your blog. 'There's a woman, there's always a woman'".
"Yes there's a woman", I replied , "it's you, and its always going to be you". Ok I didn’t say the last part about Always maybe I should have. But Always is a long time even for an old man like me.
I now expected some reaction. Anything. I mean I just virtually told her that i was in love with her. Then it came, my past caught up with me. All my humour. That not so witty repartee, the jokes, the posts on arbit.
She started laughing. Oh! That intoxicating laughter of hers. It used to be enough to get me high. But not this time. I just felt like i had been kicked in the balls.
"You can’t be serious" she said in between her giggles.
Jakes must be smiling down on me from wherever he is. I mean just occasionally, (at times like this), I would like people to take me seriously. But seems that’s not happening. I try again.
"I think you're awesome, and really care about you.", Much better. She's stopped laughing. At least now I know she takes me seriously.
"Beedi, I have a boyfriend".
"Yeah I know, he’s a nice guy. I am glad you two got together".
Ok now you're thinking is this guy just plain dumb. I mean on the one hand you tell her you're crazy about her, on the other you are telling her that she should stick with her current boyfriend. (Wow I just read the previous line, I should have become and economist, even though my grade card "begs" to differ).
Anyway back to the point, I am sitting here the next morning trying to rationalize what I did. I suppose its something to do with Oscar Wilde complex. It goes something like: I would never want to join any club that would accept me as a member. I suppose i could adapt it to: I would never want any girl i cared about to go out with a guy like me.So there you have it a logical explanation for my schizoid behaviour. Its a mental paradox. Nothing to do with MPD.
So here's hoping you've faith in impossible schemes,
that are born in the sigh of the wind blowing by
while the dimming light brings the end to a night of loving.